World From My View

Artwork (c)2006, www.psychotherapy.net

Relationships

The way I view and handle relationships has been very much shaped by the people who were around me during my growing up years. I observed that I have changed my stand on certain issues after having lived in small town, bigger town and now in a city.People in the small town where I grew up were simple, trusting and down-to-earth. People were interested in one another’s daily affairs. Homes were never pad-locked. Gates were always opened. Most homes were barely equipped, anyway. We had neither TV nor radio to keep us abreast with what was happening outside our town. My father was too busy earning a living to want to know. My carefree childhood days were spent running in and out of neighbors’ homes and playing in the common areas. There were no qualms about playing with the same old neighboring kids and the same old games day after day. And we talked till our jaws dropped. The world has become so much more complex these days so much so people are no longer as trusting and open as before. My children are interacting more intensely with the games they are playing rather than the friends they are out having fun with.Whenever I recall my childhood days, my paternal step-grandma’s kind face will without fail come to mind. She mothered and nurtured me and my siblings while my parents attended to their sundry shop. I witnessed her dedication towards grandpa, her step-children and grand-children. I have always been amazed by her single-mindedness and selflessness. I spent 6 years in a Chinese Primary School. She walked me to and from school daily. On rainy days, I was piggy-backed so that I stayed dry. My admiration for her grew even more when she returned the expensive pen she picked up outside the school gate to the school. The next day, the owner of the pen who happened to be my Form Teacher, presented us with two big bags of goodies I had difficulty carrying home with. She was full of praises for step-grandma’s honesty. On reflection, I believe my decision to become a stay-at-home mum and the way I handle my children have to a great extent influenced by the way I was brought up by her. I always strive to be as dedicated and selfless as her.The issue of BGR was not less complex during my time. As a teenager, I found the affairs of the hearts especially confusing and unpredictable. I wish there was some form of education on love, sex and marriage in school. The only resource I had was romantic novels I read which on hindsight were laden with the misrepresentation of facts on LSM. Like most teenagers, I too became fascinated with the opposite sex and gave in to the then `in-thing’ of keeping foreign pen pals. The Bruneian pen-pal I corresponded with at age 13 is still a pal today, 35 years later. I believe our mutual respect and genuine concern for each other have kept our relationship alive. Yes, platonic relationships do and can exist.Homosexuality was a term rarely heard of when I was young let alone witnessed one. It is a topic we did not talk about at home, in school or publicly. To me, it is an unnatural inclination and should not be condoned. Personally I believe that through proper nurturing and with professional help, such tendency can be straightened up.Most of us fall in love for want of love and companionship. For a love relationship to strive, both parties must genuinely show mutual respect and care for each other. And to gel the relationship further, both parties need to keep communication channel open and be there for each other through thick and thin. In a marital relationship, husband is the protector, provider and spiritual leader of the family. He is a lover and a friend to his wife. Her respect for him will grow when he shows that he is sensitive to her needs and selfless in his approach. The wife needs to give him some space to do the things he enjoys doing in her absence. But for the relationship to last, there must be mutual trust and conscious commitment by both parties to make things work, no matter what.

Divorce


Formal divorce was rarely heard of in the town I was brought up. What were more common were the gossips going around town about so and so quarreled, fought and threatened to divorce each other. Or that so and so had disappeared from home for months.My parents were to me a loving couple. I could only remember one incident whereby both of them quarreled and dad threatened to beat mum up. But they made up within hours. They were always out in the night hand in hand for a stroll and supper. Parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this July. They don’t hold hands anymore and I can sense a lot of tension in their relationship but divorce was far from their mind.These days I come into contact with separated or divorce couples weekly at the Family Court. The common feature of a crumbling relationship is probably ineffective communication skill. The individuals in a difficult relationship is no longer able to view things objectively and coupled with poor communication skill, more often than not, dialogue turns into heated argument. The tendency for one party to talk down or the unwillingness to think win-win is also an unpleasant force to reckon with.Ideally, a couple should work on their marriage instead of opting out if the children have come along. Children will certainly feel insecure and unhappy if parents are not amicable in their day to day living and decision-making. If one party is prone to becoming violent and no amount of counseling can help, it would be better for him to agree to grant a Personal Protection Order as it may deter him from committing grievous offences. In my opinion, divorce is not an option but a necessity if violence is a regular feature in a relationship.


Suicides

It takes a lot of courage to end one’s life and when a person is suicidal, he/she is really waiting for someone to talk him/her out of it.I had suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager. My father was hot-tempered and impatient. It seemed like a daily ritual for him to `pounce’ on me with his outbursts. The words he rained on me sounded crude and vulgar. It made me feel angry and agitated merely listening to them but I had to take it all in. I did not know how to react other than shedding tears. Paternal step-grandma would shield me from the blows but she did not know how to help turn the situation around. It went on for many years but it all came to an abrupt stop when I turned 19. I recall once I was so overwhelmed by the unloved feeling I put a pair of scissors next to my pillow in the night. I wanted to end my life when everyone was sound asleep. My father has mellowed down over the years. He shows the soft side of him after he became a Christian. We can now talk and joke and even embrace each other when we meet. Although much has changed, something remained – I married someone for the father -figure I lacked.The second incident took place when my teenage boy friend signaled the end of our relationship. I left a suicidal note and planned to go drown my sorrow along with myself in the river.My perspective in life changed after I became a Christian. Life took on a different meaning. My relationship with my father became more cordial as by then we were no longer staying under the same roof. But such depressive thoughts have not vanished for good. There were times when I felt life could have been more meaningfully spent and shared with my loved ones.I had a rude shock one day when my primary school going kid told me life was meaningless he would rather die. I was not sure then if that was a genetic trait but I observed that he turned temperamental if things were not going his way. Life has much to offer – the good along with the bad. I realize I have to adopt a more positive outlook for the sake of my children so that they too will look at life from the positive angles and know where to seek help when emotion runs high and the mind is in total chaos.


Violence

The young and impressionable children are witnessing violence in its full offering these days through the media. Reports on violence are graphically enhanced. And most of the popular online games have elements of violence and unhealthy dialogues in it. As far as possible, such activities should be monitored or discouraged. From my observation, children tend to turn grouchy and depressed after playing a few rounds of such games.In the year 2000 I was referred to the Family & Juvenile Court to help out as a Volunteer Support Person. My duty involved meeting a victim of family violence at the court premise prior to hearing. When trial is conducted via videos, client is less traumatized but if he or she appears in the same court room with the abusive party, I can sense lots of anxiety and fear. A few clients came in with the bruises looking raw and one even came in on wheelchair and all bandaged up. Some may appear normal with no physical suffering to show, but there are visible signs of tension and worries within them.One of my clients was a 12 year old girl who for many years became her (single) mum’s punch bag and by the time I met her she was already placed under the care of a foster family appointed by the Social Welfare Dept. She looked pleasant and cheerful before the trial but once the trial was video-linked and her mum’s voice could be heard from the other end (with her face hidden from view), she fro zed and could not respond to the judge. It took a while for the judge to convince her of the secured environment she was in then she began to talk. As soon as the trial ended, I offered to send her to the nearest taxi stand before her mum stepped out of the courtroom. When we got to the car park, I opened the car door for her. At once she stepped back in fear. I was stunned momentarily. Then I saw the coat hanger by the car door and recalled what was transpired at the court earlier. I had actually unintentionally triggered off the fear factor in her - that was the regular `weapon’ her mum used on her for many, many years. I’m glad the legal recourse of seeking a personal protection order is available to the victims of violence and that more people are coming forward to seek protection and hence expose the abusive parties to justice and counseling. More than this, I do hope victims will find closure someday and be reconciled to their loved ones who have wronged them.I know how it feels like to be hurt by the persons you call your own. I recall too the severe beatings and banging of my head against the wall by the very hands that fed me. Whenever I feel downcast thinking of the past, I will consciously switch my mind to the day when I accidentally hit my elbow against a rusty fencing near home. The cut was an inch long and my father took me to the hospital right away. I saw the anxiety in his face and for the first time felt his unspoken love. Whenever I am tempted to resent him for the hurt he had inflicted on me, I will look for the scar near the elbow. Thankfully the hurt is now gone and healing has taken place.I am not sure if violent nature is genetic but I reckon it can be environmentally induced. I do get worked up easily and feel frustrated when things do not go as planned. I expect things to be carried out well and in timely manner. Sometimes I overlook the fact that people function differently. I tend to impose on my children their total dedication when given a task to do within a set timeframe. And when they fail to comply I become agitated and will give them a piece of my mind. Some days I am more accommodating and forgiving and that’s when I have to lower my expectation as well.

Finance

All of us have to face the money issue at different points in our lives. But by the time I have to deal with it at the Family Court, I’m actually facing two disillusioned persons who have decided to fight it out what seemed to have been a very minor issue when they started out as a couple. As a volunteer mediator, I find myself examining my own take on the issue often. I must admit I have become somewhat more conscious of the fact that I have to protect myself financially.My maternal great-grandpa was one of the richest men in his era when he arrived from China to settle down in Malaysia. Among the many assets he amassed were a cinema, land, properties and plantations. I was told he had more than one wife.My maternal grandpa was a civil servant but he was unfortunate in that he married a compulsive gambler. Maternal grandma gave birth to 8 children. She fostered out the children so that she could carry on with her daily vice. Years later, she reduced to nothingness the assets grandpa was allocated to.My father came from a decent but poor family. I witnessed the financial struggles my parents had to put up for 18 years in the small town where I lived. With the closing down of the sundry shop due to poor collection, my mother decided to put her cooking skill to test. Every day she would make a variety of snacks for me to `smuggle’ into class to sell to classmates. She catered food & provided laundry services to the teachers staying around us while I helped with the delivery.My parents had taught me by their life example that poverty can be managed. It was a good thing that my parents though poor did not succumb to illegal activity in order to raise us up. The only regret then was that 2 out of the 9 surviving children (3 died prematurely) had to be given up for adoption. But the subsequent reunion many years later brought us much joy and consolation.For some 6 years or so, I worked in a bank in a bigger town after completing my A level. I started out as a cashier with a bank. It was both a pleasure and a pain to handle cash. The latter happened when I had to balance my book to the nearest cent each day. In time I observed that the constant handling of money had kind of desensitized my feeling for it.Money is a sensitive issue. When financial disputes cannot be resolved amicably, relationship breaks down. This happens when the bread-winner is irresponsible and tardy in providing for the family. I recalled a case at the court where the husband would disappear for days to `earn a living’ at the gambling den. Whenever he returned home with his winnings everyone was happy. As soon as money ran out, he would vanish again for days. When asked why he would not settle for a stable job, his wife disclosed that the winnings often exceeded what a stable job could pay him. Obviously it was not to be the case as she could not cope with it eventually. Not only did she demand for maintenance from her husband, she also filed for divorce as she found herself living with a phantom-like husband.The converse applies too. Money becomes an issue when relationship breaks down. When it is used as a means to get back at the other party or to lure the party back into the relationship, the reconciliation process can be retarded.Often, wealth is amassed but not enjoyed. Nonetheless, I believe in saving up for rainy days, investing in properties and meaningful undertakings (educational pursuits, charities, mission work, missionaries, explore the world.) I am fortunate in that my husband appreciates my contribution towards the running of the family. He respects my choice to live within the single-income he brings in. And he ensures that I will not feel short-changed being a stay-at-home-mum by sharing his paycheck with me.

Family Structure

(roles of parents, child and relatives)

The presence of both parents in the family structure is undeniably crucial in the developmental stage of a child. Ideally, the mother should, given a choice, stay at home to provide undivided attention in caring and nurturing the child. Even if she needs to work to supplement the income, the arrangement should ideally be a flexi work hour. Children need someone at home when they return from school to provide some form of emotional and mental support. Latch-key kids were reported to pose behavioral problems at some point in life.Father is bread winner and leader of the family. We all need the love, affirmation, approval, and encouragement that a father provides. The father figure serves as a role model for sons to emulate and daughters to look up to. He is usually the one who disciplines with a mix of firmness and loving-kindness. Parents need not lavish on their children to prove their love for them. Their constant presence and undying devotion will go a long way to show their love. When there is a point of contention in the decision-making, the father’s stand should be taken as he is the head of the family and therefore ultimately responsible for the consequences.The basic reason for a couple to have children is to make their lives together as a unit more complete. Their initial delight and joy may turn into nightmares when the children exercise their rights as individuals. The expectations of the parents must be communicated clearly and constantly. I try to lower my expectations from time to time if the environment at home gets too hostile and the children are not coping well emotionally. They need to know they can have time-out and be left alone whenever they want to, for a while. Without a domestic helper at home, I do demand that they provide some help in simple chores. Otherwise, their role is basically to do well as a student and live harmoniously with the rest in the family.The relatives especially the in-laws will be a good source to tap if they can offer constructive help. In my opinion, it is not advisable for in-laws to be living under the same roof unless it is really necessary. And they should be told the specifics and extent of help needed from them to avoid uncalled for domestic conflict.

An Analytical Study on Ms Julaiha Begum

Understanding Developmental Issues

Analyzing Julaiha


Dr Albert Ellis (b. 1913), reckoned by the American Psychological Association as the second-most-influential psychotherapist of the 20th century, in his Theory of Personality suggests that `humans are born with an exceptionally strong tendency to want and to insist that everything happens for the best in their life and to condemn themselves, others and the world when they do not immediately get what they want.’

Ms Julaiha Begum (JB ) did not stop at condemning others; she took many steps further and got her soft-spoken husband killed in an attempt to wrench away his share of the house.

Whilst Dr Albert Ellis suggests that personality is determined 80% by nature and 20% influenced by nurture, Erik Erikson (b. 1902, d. 1994) developed a theory often called the `Eight Ages of Man’ (Boeree, 1997) Each stage comprises of an age range describing the approximate age that a person will be; when facing a particular conflict that requires resolution. Erikson also identifies an important event in each stage, for instance, in stage four (latency), school is the important event. (Bee, 1997) Essentially Erikson used Freud’s five-stage psychosexual theory and expanded it by adding on three more stages. The former thought that environment and culture have a much bigger impact on the developing child. `Erikson emphasized social forces, more than unconscious drives, as motives for development. The key concept is the development of identity.’ (Bee, 1998)

The fundamental element of Erikson’s theory is that `If a stage is managed well, we carry away a certain virtue or psychosocial strength which will help us through the rest of the stages of our lives. On the other hand, if we don’t do so well, we may develop maladaptations and malignancies, as well as endanger all our future development. A malignancy is the worse of the two, and involves too little of the positive and too much of the negative aspect of the task, such as a person who can’t trust others. (Boeree, 1997)

I will briefly describe Erik Erikson’s eight state psychosocial theory of development and then apply the relevant stages in this theory to JB’s behaviour.

Erik Erikson identified:

1. Infancy – Age 0 to 1 (Hope)

Crisis: Trust vs. Mistrust

Description: In the first year of life, infants depend on others for food, warmth, and affection, and therefore must be able to blindly trust the parents (or caregivers) for providing those.

Positive outcome: If their needs are met consistently and responsively by the parents, infants not only will develop a secure attachment with the parents, but will learn to trust their environment in general as well.

Negative outcome: If not, infant will develop mistrust towards people and things in their environment, even towards themselves.


Despite strong preference for sons in the Indian muslim community, JB was much loved and pampered as revealed by Jason Tan, the author of Eyes of the Serpent who pieced together the full account of how Singapore’s Top Cop, T. Maniam (TM) was assassinated by order of his wife.
JB was born an only child in Singapore in1949. Her father was a merchant and owned a few shops in Singapore. Her mother probably married at a tender age herself as was the practice in her era. She might have experienced difficulty adjusting to the life in Singapore so much so she managed to convince her husband to let her return to India with her daughter. At the same time, her husband must have realized the benefit of having his young wife and daughter returned to India to live with their extended family. It was common in the 50’s to find several extended Indian families of Muslim faith living together especially in Southern India.

So JB’s father, like most Indian Muslim businessmen, would probably return home once a year or once in every two years. In his case, he must have been a good provider in ensuring JB be fed fish and meat. JB’s mum was illiterate. The common practice was for her to provide her thumbprint if money was received in her name, but the money would go to a male member in the family to be managed. Part of the money would then go to support the rest in the extended family, whether JB’s mother liked it or not. If JB had many cousins but was the only baby fed fish and meat, then I would be inclined to believe that JB was much loved and pampered by her mother only. And this might have generated much envious feelings among the other members in the extended family.

In spite of a large family setting, JB’s mother must have her fleeting moments of loneliness. Supposing she was married at a very young age, she would probably be moving towards social productivity, a preoccupation of adolescence. Often she might be found in the world of her own trying to make sense of what was happening within her and around her. Such reflective thinking behavior was typical of a confused adolescent during the `period of growth to maturity.’

Doubtlessly unprepared for adulthood, JB’s mother might have overlooked JB’s need for security, love, significance etc as she would probably be more concerned about her own set of difficulties and needs. Likewise, JB’s father could only show spasmodical love towards his daughter; very much a `peek-a-boo’ kind of relationship. As such, JB’s need for parental love had obviously not been fully met.

2. Toddler – Age 1 to 2 (Will)

Crisis: Autonomy (Independence) vs. Doubt (or Shame)

Description: Toddlers learn to walk, talk, use toilets, and do things for themselves. Their self-control and self-confidence begin to develop at this stage.

Positive outcome: If parents encourage their child's use of initiative and reassure her when she makes mistakes, the child will develop the confidence needed to cope with future situations that require choice, control, and independence.

Negative outcome: If parents are overprotective, or disapproving of the child's acts of independence, she may begin to feel ashamed of her behavior, or have too much doubt of her abilities.


At this stage of JB’s life (1950-51), there was an outbreak of meningitis in infancy and childhood other than tubercular meningitis in Madras. JB’s mother must have borne the brunt of worrying over JB catching the virus. The fear of losing JB might have led her to impose limits on JB’s behaviors and movement. As a paranoid mother, she must have influenced JB more profoundly than anybody else.
In a large family setting, every adult was a disciplinarian or trainer of sort. There would inevitably be diverse opinions on how to raise a child. It must be confusing for the child and when accident happened, the adults would start to blame one another. And here we are talking about a group of uneducated women, some of whom could be rather immature mothers. And if envy and strife did exist in the big family, the way JB was treated might turn out hostile especially when JB’s mother was not looking.

3. Early Childhood – Age 2 to 6 (Purpose)

Crisis: Initiative vs. Guilt

Description: Children have newfound power at this stage as they have developed motor skills and become more and more engaged in social interaction with people around them. They now must learn to achieve a balance between eagerness for more adventure and more responsibility, and learning to control impulses and childish fantasies.

Positive outcome: If parents are encouraging, but consistent in discipline, children will learn to accept without guilt, that certain things are not allowed, but at the same time will not feel shame when using their imagination and engaging in make-believe role plays.

Negative outcome: If not, children may develop a sense of guilt and may come to believe that it is wrong to be independent.


Growing up as a girl in an Indian Muslim family would require that JB submit to the male members in the family. She had no say in anything. She had no control over her own life. Supposing her mother was submissive and cooperative, then she would have effectively modeled the `acceptable’ behavior in their family setting for JB to emulate. However, such reliance might result in the inability to take initiatives. In this case, I am inclined to hypothesize that JB’s mother must have been quite strong-headed and egoistic. She might have gone overboard in more ways than one, such as providing fish and meat for her only daughter, and boasting about it. I believe too her social interaction could mean dishing up exotic food or dolling up with expensive jewelry in a bid to impress the less fortunate around her.

According to Sigmund Freud , a person is all Id at birth. It lacks organization and is blind, demanding, & insistent. The Id never matures, remaining the spoiled brat of personality. JB’s mother’s Superego might have failed to inhibit the Id impulses. If JB had witnessed the going-on at this stage of her life, she might perceive it to be the way to go. This might explain why she always dolled up and put on expensive jewelry whenever she visited India in the later stage of her life.

4. Elementary & Middle School Years – Age 6 to 12 (Competence)

Crisis: Competence (aka. "Industry") vs. Inferiority

Description: School is the important event at this stage. Children learn to make things, use tools, and acquire the skills to be a worker and a potential provider. And they do all these while making the transition from the world of home into the world of peers.

Positive outcome: If children can discover pleasure in intellectual stimulation, being productive, seeking success, they will develop a sense of competence.

Negative outcome: If not, they will develop a sense of inferiority.


Like her mother and many Indian girls in the 50s, JB didn’t go to school. Instead, she spent most of her time in the kitchen learning to cook. And this remained her only skill as she found out to her advantage that one way to a person’s heart was through the stomach. JB spent this stage of her life attempting to live up to her mother’s expectations. She was not given a choice to develop her interpersonal skills she needed to succeed socially and develop a healthy self-concept. She became `other-directed,’ as suggested by Dr Albert Ellis. She had indeed missed her second chance to make it good at this stage what was not developed properly at the earlier stages. She probably experienced feeling of inferiority or incompetency at this stage.


5. Adolescence – Age 12 to 18 (Fidelity)

Crisis: Identity vs. Role Confusion

Description: This is the time when we ask the question "Who am I?" To successfully answer this question, Erikson suggests, the adolescent must integrate the healthy resolution of all earlier conflicts. Did we develop the basic sense of trust? Do we have a strong sense of independence, competence, and feel in control of our lives? Adolescents who have successfully dealt with earlier conflicts are ready for the "Identity Crisis", which is considered by Erikson as the single most significant conflict a person must face.

Positive outcome: If the adolescent solves this conflict successfully, he will come out of this stage with a strong identity, and ready to plan for the future.

Negative outcome: If not, the adolescent will sink into confusion, unable to make decisions and choices, especially about vocation, sexual orientation, and his role in life in general.

Being confined to home instead of going to school JB might have witnessed squabbling or violence of some sort taking place among family members. It was common in those days for illicit affairs among close cousins and in-laws to be found within the same family. Even homosexuality, as husbands were abroad for extended period of time. It was also common for young girls in such family set up to be taken advantage of sexually by the male members. If JB had witnessed any of this or had been subjected to such harassment, chances would be she might not know how to react. Even if her mother were to come to know about it, her pride might have prevented her from taking any action against the offender. The possibility of JB’s mother having illicit affairs herself could not be ruled out too. JB might have perceived it as an acceptable behavior.

JB’s adolescent stage had to be shelved with the sudden death of her father before she reached teen-age. Her mother’s sense of insecurity was probably at its peak as she undertook to marry her daughter off soon after her husband died. Being youthful and beautiful, JB might have commanded a substantial amount of Mehar (a compulsory amount of money given by the groom's family to the bride) from the wealthy businessman. But at age 14, I reckoned her mother and uncles had a lot of say in her life. I can’t help but hypothesize that her entitlement to the Mehar might have been infringed on. So the teenage JB was confronted with the harsh realities in life – the loss of her father (effectively the loss of a luxurious life), pre-matured separation from her mother (despite being a poor role-model) and union with an older man who might have married her for her youthfulness and looks.

Such traumatic early experiences might have caused JB to develop a continuing sense of insecurity and an attitude of bitterness and rebellion. Perhaps her mother had instilled too much hope in her to expect a luxurious life like what she used to lead. She had entered marriage with a misguided notion and expectation. She probably felt short-changed and let down; achieving nothing. The love-less relationship with an unfaithful husband caused her to develop self-doubt, generated a strong feeling of inferiority, distrust and resentment which culminated in hatred. Obviously she was wounded on the way to adulthood.

6. Young Adulthood – Age 19 to 40 (Love)

Crisis: Intimacy vs. Isolation

Description: In this stage, the most important events are love relationships. No matter how successful you are with your work, said Erikson, you are not developmentally complete until you are capable of intimacy. An individual who has not developed a sense of identity usually will fear a committed relationship and may retreat into isolation.

Positive outcome: Adult individuals can form close relationships and share with others if they have achieved a sense of identity.

Negative outcome: If not, they will fear commitment, feel isolated and unable to depend on anybody in the world.

Before JB could figure out her own identity as an adolescent, she found herself in the stage of young adulthood. She was barely prepared for intimacy that makes possible good marriage or a genuine and enduring friendship. JB was not given a chance to explore and experiment with alternative possibilities of life, without having to face the full consequences of those choices. (Hayes, 1994) She had no opportunities to acquire social skills, resulting in self-esteem problems. She lacked survival skills that she must learn if she was to get along smoothly in life. Unfortunately, she was given the task of motherhood even before she had the chance to learn to cope with stress, manage time, mature spiritually, relate to the opposite sex, or handle money. The absence of all these skills and more had made adjustments to life much more difficult for her.

JB’s relationship with her husband was neither physically nor emotionally fulfilling. Her need for intimacy was unmet. Her husband was rarely home and she must have felt neglected, unwanted and isolated. Although her children were with her, her need for acceptance and affections of others continued to grow.

Her coping mechanism was at its worst prior to her divorce; possibly due to lack of interpersonal and problem-solving skills she missed acquiring at the earlier developmental stage. Her irrational move to leave the home to put up at the void deck with 3 of her children showed that she had come to her wit’s end. Her relatives might have offered them a place to stay but the `kid inside her adult body’ chose to shame her husband by showing `the world’ how she and her children had been ill-treated. She had allowed her Id to take control of her at the expense of her children’s comfort and safety.

7. Middle Adulthood – Age 40 to 65 (Care)

Crisis: Generativity vs. Stagnation

Description: By "generativity" Erikson refers to the adult's ability to look outside oneself and care for others, through parenting, for instance. Erikson suggested that adults need children as much as children need adults, and that this stage reflects the need to create a living legacy.

Positive outcome: People can solve this crisis by having and nurturing children, or helping the next generation in other ways.

Negative outcome: If this crisis is not successfully resolved, the person will remain self-centered and experience stagnation later in life.

At this stage of JB’s life, she was more concerned about her own emotional, physical and material needs. She did not have the mother instinct to protect her daughters when their modesty was being outraged. Similar encounters in her childhood might have taken place and her own mother might have reacted in exactly the same way.

JB was utterly possessive when it came to sharing TM with his own sons and even her own children from her first marriage. Instead of role-modeling and supporting her children, she was more interested in what she would stand to gain by having TM all to herself.

JB’s choice of Veng as her young lover did not come as a surprise. At age 48, she was still very much a `kid’ at heart.


8. Late Adulthood – Age 65 to death (Wisdom)

Crisis: Integrity vs. Despair Important

Description: Old age is a time for reflecting upon one's own life and its role in the big scheme of things, and seeing it filled with pleasure and satisfaction or disappointments and failures.

Positive outcome: If the adult has achieved a sense of fulfillment about life and a sense of unity within himself and with others, he will accept death with a sense of integrity. Just as the healthy child will not fear life, said Erikson, the healthy adult will not fear death.

Negative outcome: If not, the individual will despair and fear death.

JB did not live long enough to enter this stage of her life. She was hanged at age 52 after being convicted of hiring assassins to kill her husband, TM.

In my analysis, I thought the main reason that propelled JB to kill her husband was her love for money as the saying goes `the love of money is the root of all evil.’ As an only child and for a good twelve years, her parents lavished on her the best money could buy. Unfortunately that had given her too the warped idea that everyone owed her a good life. She was unperturbed by her first husband’s unfaithful ways as long as she was provided for materially. But it was far from the luxurious life she was once indulging in so she had to turn to her husband’s foreign friend for comfort and possibly some extra pocket money. When her businessman friend tried to take advantage of her daughters, she warned them not to complain. I reckon she was probably hoping to be paid for allowing him to have his ways with her daughters.

Being uneducated, she knew she could never struck it rich on her own. She had Veng to help fulfill her wish. Supposing she got away with TM’s case, it would be a high chance that she might target another, then another. She knew the power of money and that’s precisely how she roped in Ravi and Chandran to assist Veng. And they gave in for the sake of money.

What was the `force’ that propelled her to go for it? According to Sigmund Freud’s theory, the Id, the Ego and the Superego need to be well-balanced in order to have reasonable mental health. The Id functions in the irrational and emotional part of the mind. It contains all the basic needs and feelings. JB’s Id grew too strong as she was provided more than just basic needs and that probably caused her to be bound up in self-gratification and uncaring towards others. JB’s Ego, the rational part of her mind, did not realize the need for compromise and failed to negotiate between the Id and the Superego, the moral part of the mind. JB had never felt guilty about the wrong she had committed, even right up to the day before the result of the plea for clemency was announced. There seemed to be an absence of parental and societal values embodied in her mind. The values that her parents approved of and disapproved of seemed missing. That led me to think her value system must have not been put in place or in check while growing up.

Based on Erik Erikson’s theory discussed earlier, she was not given the choice to resolve the crisis of each developmental stage in her life successfully. And I would like to reiterate the point that JB’s mother was the main person who had profoundly influenced her to become the person she grew up as. As a result she experienced all the negative outcomes such as mistrust, doubt, inferiority disguised as superiority complex, role confusion, isolation and stagnation. If she had gone to school she might have been given a second chance to be taught the right values. In the same light, if not for TM, her daughters too might have grown up as irrational, ruthless and vicious as her.


Before my analysis I was quick to embrace every word the author Mr Jason Tan used to describe JB in its entirety. And based on the account given in the book, I agreed that she was full of character flaws judging from her irrational, impulsive and despicable actions and reactions towards those who came between her and her objects of affection. In my opinion, she was contemptuous of others, malicious, deceitful and inhuman. At some point I even felt eerie reading about her as if she was demon-possessed.

After an in-depth analysis, my initial judgment of her took a different turn. I learnt that she became who she was, maladaptive and malignant in her outlook in life, very much a result of not having gone thru each developmental stage of her life successfully resolving the crisis therein.

I found some of her adult characteristics peculiar to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. For instance, she had a strong sense of entitlement; unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment and expected others to automatically comply with her wishes. She lacked empathy and took advantage of others to achieve her own ends and used others without regards to the feelings of others. She had shown arrogant or haughty behaviors or attitudes and did not care whom she offended. Lying is an integral part of the narcissist's behavior and all her self-disclosure is unreliable. Her cognition is impaired to the extent that she frequently misinterpreted other's speech, actions, and thoughts.

Because a narcissistic individual has a shifting morality - always ready to shift values to gain favor - any interaction with a narcissist is difficult. JB was self-absorbed and had no interest in anyone other than herself. Her tendency was to form friendships or romantic relationships with only those that can enhance her self-esteem or advance her purposes.

A narcissistic injury occurs when someone defeats or criticizes the narcissistic individual. JB was haunted by criticisms and defeats after being confronted by TM for allowing her daughters to be subjected to the advances of her businessman friend. When the narcissistic injury occurred, she began to feel empty, degraded, and humiliated and therefore was highly capable of retaliating with narcissistic rage.

Narcissists lack a mature conscience. Their moral intelligence is about at the level of a bright five- or six-year-old; the only rules they recognize are things that have been specifically required, permitted, prohibited, or disapproved of by authority figures they know personally. Anyhow, narcissists can't be counted on not to do something just because it's wrong, illegal, or will hurt someone, as long as they think that they can get away with it. (DSM-IV, 1994)

This assignment has helped me understand my role as a counselor towards counselees in more ways than one. In my dealing as a counselor I have to take note of the following:

a. If JB had been referred to me (before that fatal blow on TM) for counseling, I would have to remain unbiased and non-judgmental. Although her unusual behavior needed confrontation, I had to avoid condemning her. For if I were to do so, she would feel attacked and end up defending herself (often in anger) or adopt a resigned `what’s the use?’ attitude and go along with me grudgingly. I had to ensure that I would not reflect my own anxiety, uncertainty or need to control.

b. I must not be quick to categorize JB for that will make me appear to be dismissive when I give hurried evaluation, quick confrontation, or rigid advice. I need to be respectful and sympathetic.

c. I must not expect immediate positive progress. Problematic behaviors such as JB’s take a long time to develop and it is unrealistic to assume they will disappear overnight.

d. I must maintain a vigilant attitude and not allow JB’s self-centeredness to manipulate me and causing me to slip into unhealthy counseling roles.

e. Difficult people such as JB may resist or co-operate for fear of losing the benefits that come with the problems. As a counselor I will have to remain non-defensive and make it clear to the counselee that ultimately he or she is responsible for improvement or non-improvement.


Kenneth Haugk presents a good set of criteria to use in identifying potential "hard-core" antagonists. This includes such general character traits as negative (in JB’s case - a superior façade) self-concept, narcissism, aggression, rigidity, and authoritarianism. Common observations of difficult people also include some degree of paranoia and anti-social behavior. These character traits are supplemented with various "red-flag" conditions which, when observed, require caution. And here we are not just referring to someone simply having a bad day.

Difficult people are dysfunctional, maladaptive and malignant in their outlook in life, very much a result of not having gone thru each developmental stage of their life successfully resolving the crisis therein. They may not see themselves as contributors of problems. Knowing where they are coming from helps me to treat them with more understanding, patience and compassion. I will have to extend help to them with no string-attached.

When dealing with difficult people, `how’ we say something is more important than `what’ we say. Difficult people cannot be changed overnight but I can control my responses to them. Effective listening is one important key to defusing difficult people and situations. Paraphrasing, perception checking and silence can all be used to enhance connection (Therapeutic Alliance). I will need to lower my voice. Slow the cadence of my speech. Relax my body language. Take a break if I need to.

Difficult people can be manipulative. I will need to constantly ask myself, `Am I being manipulated?’ `Am I drawn into a hidden agenda to be made an ally in the family conflict?’

If I need to confront the difficult people, I will have to do so in a gentle and non-judgmental manner. It will be good to ask myself if they are emotionally and intellectually ready to handle new ideas and suggestions.

I must be able to handle immediacy response from the difficult people. He or she may say, `I am getting angry because I think you are not paying attention to what I am saying.’ I must learn to accept such honest, on-the-spot statements and allow them to express and deal with his or her feelings before they build up and fester.

Difficult people can be the loneliest people on earth as they may have created a chasm between themselves and their family members due to unceasing complaints about everybody. They simply cannot gel with anybody in the family or the society. In some cases, we need divine help to cope with them.


The analytical study on JB based on Erik Erikson’s 8 developmental stages theory helps me to view my family members from a different perspective. Beginning with my parents, I now understand why I was parented the way I was parented. In my worldview assignment, I shared about physical and emotional abuse from my father for 15 years. Now on hindsight, and based on Erik Erikson’s theory, I observed and understood the impairment my father’s own development had impacted him.

At age 8 he lost his beloved mother who died suddenly due to profuse bleeding after giving birth to her 5th child. It was during the Japanese Occupation when he was aged 12, a strange illness incapacitated his father. Grappling with poverty he had to forgo education after completing primary school to work to feed his siblings. He was very bitter about the turn of event at this point in his life as he was a very bright student and doing very well in his studies. There is a great sense of remorse whenever he recalls the past. Like JB, he crossed over to young adulthood overnight. He is often overwhelmed by inferiority complex and insecurity about the future. I recall his nightly rendition of `Sighing ten times’ (han shi sheng – a popular Chinese song) as he sang himself to sleep. The hardship he experienced as a teenager always returned to haunt him and he became so fragile he snapped ever so easily. And being the only girl (my two other sisters grew up with maternal grandmother so they were spared) at home at the time, I became his punch bag.

I am glad I have finally found the answers to the `Why me?’ after each bashing up. Father has mellowed down much at age 77 but more so because he has found his peace and security in God.

I am thankful to God for my paternal-stepmother (now deceased) and my mother who have been good role models. They have imparted to me positive values although I have also picked up some of my father’s shortcomings. As I addressed the inferiority complex and insecurity inside me, I knew I had to look into my two children’s developmental stages under my care. I had actually sat down with my two teenage sons and went through with them the stages they have gone through so far. It was a very meaningful experience for us to open up and share about our feelings and thoughts at different stages. There was a deliberate attempt on my part to explain the specific things I did in their lives in order to address and resolve the crises at different stages.

Being an imperfect mother, I am thankful to God for being gracious and merciful towards my sons by providing them with godly church leaders and a conducive church environment to grow up in. As they journey on in life, my hope and prayer will be that they will eventually achieve a sense of fulfillment about life and a sense of unity within themselves, with God and with others.


Bibliograhpy

Boeree, G.C., 1997. Personality Theories – Erik Erikson 1902 – 1994. [online].
Psychology Department: Shippensburg University. Available from:
http://www.ship.edu/~cgboeree/perscontents.html

Bee, H., 1997. The Developing Child (8th Ed.) Longman: Harlow

Hayes, N., 1994. Foundations of Psychology - An Introductory Text.
Routledge: London

Bee, H., 1998. Lifespan Development – International Edition. 2nd edition.
Longman: Harlow

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th edition, 1994, commonly referred to as DSM-IV, of the American Psychiatric Association.