World From My View

Artwork (c)2006, www.psychotherapy.net

Relationships

The way I view and handle relationships has been very much shaped by the people who were around me during my growing up years. I observed that I have changed my stand on certain issues after having lived in small town, bigger town and now in a city.People in the small town where I grew up were simple, trusting and down-to-earth. People were interested in one another’s daily affairs. Homes were never pad-locked. Gates were always opened. Most homes were barely equipped, anyway. We had neither TV nor radio to keep us abreast with what was happening outside our town. My father was too busy earning a living to want to know. My carefree childhood days were spent running in and out of neighbors’ homes and playing in the common areas. There were no qualms about playing with the same old neighboring kids and the same old games day after day. And we talked till our jaws dropped. The world has become so much more complex these days so much so people are no longer as trusting and open as before. My children are interacting more intensely with the games they are playing rather than the friends they are out having fun with.Whenever I recall my childhood days, my paternal step-grandma’s kind face will without fail come to mind. She mothered and nurtured me and my siblings while my parents attended to their sundry shop. I witnessed her dedication towards grandpa, her step-children and grand-children. I have always been amazed by her single-mindedness and selflessness. I spent 6 years in a Chinese Primary School. She walked me to and from school daily. On rainy days, I was piggy-backed so that I stayed dry. My admiration for her grew even more when she returned the expensive pen she picked up outside the school gate to the school. The next day, the owner of the pen who happened to be my Form Teacher, presented us with two big bags of goodies I had difficulty carrying home with. She was full of praises for step-grandma’s honesty. On reflection, I believe my decision to become a stay-at-home mum and the way I handle my children have to a great extent influenced by the way I was brought up by her. I always strive to be as dedicated and selfless as her.The issue of BGR was not less complex during my time. As a teenager, I found the affairs of the hearts especially confusing and unpredictable. I wish there was some form of education on love, sex and marriage in school. The only resource I had was romantic novels I read which on hindsight were laden with the misrepresentation of facts on LSM. Like most teenagers, I too became fascinated with the opposite sex and gave in to the then `in-thing’ of keeping foreign pen pals. The Bruneian pen-pal I corresponded with at age 13 is still a pal today, 35 years later. I believe our mutual respect and genuine concern for each other have kept our relationship alive. Yes, platonic relationships do and can exist.Homosexuality was a term rarely heard of when I was young let alone witnessed one. It is a topic we did not talk about at home, in school or publicly. To me, it is an unnatural inclination and should not be condoned. Personally I believe that through proper nurturing and with professional help, such tendency can be straightened up.Most of us fall in love for want of love and companionship. For a love relationship to strive, both parties must genuinely show mutual respect and care for each other. And to gel the relationship further, both parties need to keep communication channel open and be there for each other through thick and thin. In a marital relationship, husband is the protector, provider and spiritual leader of the family. He is a lover and a friend to his wife. Her respect for him will grow when he shows that he is sensitive to her needs and selfless in his approach. The wife needs to give him some space to do the things he enjoys doing in her absence. But for the relationship to last, there must be mutual trust and conscious commitment by both parties to make things work, no matter what.

Divorce


Formal divorce was rarely heard of in the town I was brought up. What were more common were the gossips going around town about so and so quarreled, fought and threatened to divorce each other. Or that so and so had disappeared from home for months.My parents were to me a loving couple. I could only remember one incident whereby both of them quarreled and dad threatened to beat mum up. But they made up within hours. They were always out in the night hand in hand for a stroll and supper. Parents will be celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this July. They don’t hold hands anymore and I can sense a lot of tension in their relationship but divorce was far from their mind.These days I come into contact with separated or divorce couples weekly at the Family Court. The common feature of a crumbling relationship is probably ineffective communication skill. The individuals in a difficult relationship is no longer able to view things objectively and coupled with poor communication skill, more often than not, dialogue turns into heated argument. The tendency for one party to talk down or the unwillingness to think win-win is also an unpleasant force to reckon with.Ideally, a couple should work on their marriage instead of opting out if the children have come along. Children will certainly feel insecure and unhappy if parents are not amicable in their day to day living and decision-making. If one party is prone to becoming violent and no amount of counseling can help, it would be better for him to agree to grant a Personal Protection Order as it may deter him from committing grievous offences. In my opinion, divorce is not an option but a necessity if violence is a regular feature in a relationship.


Suicides

It takes a lot of courage to end one’s life and when a person is suicidal, he/she is really waiting for someone to talk him/her out of it.I had suicidal thoughts when I was a teenager. My father was hot-tempered and impatient. It seemed like a daily ritual for him to `pounce’ on me with his outbursts. The words he rained on me sounded crude and vulgar. It made me feel angry and agitated merely listening to them but I had to take it all in. I did not know how to react other than shedding tears. Paternal step-grandma would shield me from the blows but she did not know how to help turn the situation around. It went on for many years but it all came to an abrupt stop when I turned 19. I recall once I was so overwhelmed by the unloved feeling I put a pair of scissors next to my pillow in the night. I wanted to end my life when everyone was sound asleep. My father has mellowed down over the years. He shows the soft side of him after he became a Christian. We can now talk and joke and even embrace each other when we meet. Although much has changed, something remained – I married someone for the father -figure I lacked.The second incident took place when my teenage boy friend signaled the end of our relationship. I left a suicidal note and planned to go drown my sorrow along with myself in the river.My perspective in life changed after I became a Christian. Life took on a different meaning. My relationship with my father became more cordial as by then we were no longer staying under the same roof. But such depressive thoughts have not vanished for good. There were times when I felt life could have been more meaningfully spent and shared with my loved ones.I had a rude shock one day when my primary school going kid told me life was meaningless he would rather die. I was not sure then if that was a genetic trait but I observed that he turned temperamental if things were not going his way. Life has much to offer – the good along with the bad. I realize I have to adopt a more positive outlook for the sake of my children so that they too will look at life from the positive angles and know where to seek help when emotion runs high and the mind is in total chaos.


Violence

The young and impressionable children are witnessing violence in its full offering these days through the media. Reports on violence are graphically enhanced. And most of the popular online games have elements of violence and unhealthy dialogues in it. As far as possible, such activities should be monitored or discouraged. From my observation, children tend to turn grouchy and depressed after playing a few rounds of such games.In the year 2000 I was referred to the Family & Juvenile Court to help out as a Volunteer Support Person. My duty involved meeting a victim of family violence at the court premise prior to hearing. When trial is conducted via videos, client is less traumatized but if he or she appears in the same court room with the abusive party, I can sense lots of anxiety and fear. A few clients came in with the bruises looking raw and one even came in on wheelchair and all bandaged up. Some may appear normal with no physical suffering to show, but there are visible signs of tension and worries within them.One of my clients was a 12 year old girl who for many years became her (single) mum’s punch bag and by the time I met her she was already placed under the care of a foster family appointed by the Social Welfare Dept. She looked pleasant and cheerful before the trial but once the trial was video-linked and her mum’s voice could be heard from the other end (with her face hidden from view), she fro zed and could not respond to the judge. It took a while for the judge to convince her of the secured environment she was in then she began to talk. As soon as the trial ended, I offered to send her to the nearest taxi stand before her mum stepped out of the courtroom. When we got to the car park, I opened the car door for her. At once she stepped back in fear. I was stunned momentarily. Then I saw the coat hanger by the car door and recalled what was transpired at the court earlier. I had actually unintentionally triggered off the fear factor in her - that was the regular `weapon’ her mum used on her for many, many years. I’m glad the legal recourse of seeking a personal protection order is available to the victims of violence and that more people are coming forward to seek protection and hence expose the abusive parties to justice and counseling. More than this, I do hope victims will find closure someday and be reconciled to their loved ones who have wronged them.I know how it feels like to be hurt by the persons you call your own. I recall too the severe beatings and banging of my head against the wall by the very hands that fed me. Whenever I feel downcast thinking of the past, I will consciously switch my mind to the day when I accidentally hit my elbow against a rusty fencing near home. The cut was an inch long and my father took me to the hospital right away. I saw the anxiety in his face and for the first time felt his unspoken love. Whenever I am tempted to resent him for the hurt he had inflicted on me, I will look for the scar near the elbow. Thankfully the hurt is now gone and healing has taken place.I am not sure if violent nature is genetic but I reckon it can be environmentally induced. I do get worked up easily and feel frustrated when things do not go as planned. I expect things to be carried out well and in timely manner. Sometimes I overlook the fact that people function differently. I tend to impose on my children their total dedication when given a task to do within a set timeframe. And when they fail to comply I become agitated and will give them a piece of my mind. Some days I am more accommodating and forgiving and that’s when I have to lower my expectation as well.

Finance

All of us have to face the money issue at different points in our lives. But by the time I have to deal with it at the Family Court, I’m actually facing two disillusioned persons who have decided to fight it out what seemed to have been a very minor issue when they started out as a couple. As a volunteer mediator, I find myself examining my own take on the issue often. I must admit I have become somewhat more conscious of the fact that I have to protect myself financially.My maternal great-grandpa was one of the richest men in his era when he arrived from China to settle down in Malaysia. Among the many assets he amassed were a cinema, land, properties and plantations. I was told he had more than one wife.My maternal grandpa was a civil servant but he was unfortunate in that he married a compulsive gambler. Maternal grandma gave birth to 8 children. She fostered out the children so that she could carry on with her daily vice. Years later, she reduced to nothingness the assets grandpa was allocated to.My father came from a decent but poor family. I witnessed the financial struggles my parents had to put up for 18 years in the small town where I lived. With the closing down of the sundry shop due to poor collection, my mother decided to put her cooking skill to test. Every day she would make a variety of snacks for me to `smuggle’ into class to sell to classmates. She catered food & provided laundry services to the teachers staying around us while I helped with the delivery.My parents had taught me by their life example that poverty can be managed. It was a good thing that my parents though poor did not succumb to illegal activity in order to raise us up. The only regret then was that 2 out of the 9 surviving children (3 died prematurely) had to be given up for adoption. But the subsequent reunion many years later brought us much joy and consolation.For some 6 years or so, I worked in a bank in a bigger town after completing my A level. I started out as a cashier with a bank. It was both a pleasure and a pain to handle cash. The latter happened when I had to balance my book to the nearest cent each day. In time I observed that the constant handling of money had kind of desensitized my feeling for it.Money is a sensitive issue. When financial disputes cannot be resolved amicably, relationship breaks down. This happens when the bread-winner is irresponsible and tardy in providing for the family. I recalled a case at the court where the husband would disappear for days to `earn a living’ at the gambling den. Whenever he returned home with his winnings everyone was happy. As soon as money ran out, he would vanish again for days. When asked why he would not settle for a stable job, his wife disclosed that the winnings often exceeded what a stable job could pay him. Obviously it was not to be the case as she could not cope with it eventually. Not only did she demand for maintenance from her husband, she also filed for divorce as she found herself living with a phantom-like husband.The converse applies too. Money becomes an issue when relationship breaks down. When it is used as a means to get back at the other party or to lure the party back into the relationship, the reconciliation process can be retarded.Often, wealth is amassed but not enjoyed. Nonetheless, I believe in saving up for rainy days, investing in properties and meaningful undertakings (educational pursuits, charities, mission work, missionaries, explore the world.) I am fortunate in that my husband appreciates my contribution towards the running of the family. He respects my choice to live within the single-income he brings in. And he ensures that I will not feel short-changed being a stay-at-home-mum by sharing his paycheck with me.

Family Structure

(roles of parents, child and relatives)

The presence of both parents in the family structure is undeniably crucial in the developmental stage of a child. Ideally, the mother should, given a choice, stay at home to provide undivided attention in caring and nurturing the child. Even if she needs to work to supplement the income, the arrangement should ideally be a flexi work hour. Children need someone at home when they return from school to provide some form of emotional and mental support. Latch-key kids were reported to pose behavioral problems at some point in life.Father is bread winner and leader of the family. We all need the love, affirmation, approval, and encouragement that a father provides. The father figure serves as a role model for sons to emulate and daughters to look up to. He is usually the one who disciplines with a mix of firmness and loving-kindness. Parents need not lavish on their children to prove their love for them. Their constant presence and undying devotion will go a long way to show their love. When there is a point of contention in the decision-making, the father’s stand should be taken as he is the head of the family and therefore ultimately responsible for the consequences.The basic reason for a couple to have children is to make their lives together as a unit more complete. Their initial delight and joy may turn into nightmares when the children exercise their rights as individuals. The expectations of the parents must be communicated clearly and constantly. I try to lower my expectations from time to time if the environment at home gets too hostile and the children are not coping well emotionally. They need to know they can have time-out and be left alone whenever they want to, for a while. Without a domestic helper at home, I do demand that they provide some help in simple chores. Otherwise, their role is basically to do well as a student and live harmoniously with the rest in the family.The relatives especially the in-laws will be a good source to tap if they can offer constructive help. In my opinion, it is not advisable for in-laws to be living under the same roof unless it is really necessary. And they should be told the specifics and extent of help needed from them to avoid uncalled for domestic conflict.