Growing Families International (GFI)

330 delegates congregated at the Queenstown Baptist Church for the GFI conference.
GFI runs the GKGW (Growing Kids God’s Way) and Reaching the Hearts of Teens in some churches in Singapore. I attended the Teens course earlier this year to learn of the spiritual dimension that parents turn to when all else fail to work. I was encouraged when reminded that I am HOPE for within me dwell HIM who is HOPE.

As a parent of the post-modern age, what I say and how I say it matters. The impact of post modernism is chaos and confusion somewhat. It is like playing different types of games on a common field. There are many rules and different realities. Nothing is absolute. How do I communicate the absolute truth when the young person before me ‘sees everything at once’? The diverse choices available to him/her make decision-making a more complex process. How do I adapt to social/technological changes in order to tune into the senses of the children of the new age.

How do I manage the WHY and the problem of HOW?

(B + g) = W + H = S to satisfy N.

B – Beliefs g - goals W – Why H - How S – Solution N – Need

‘g’ must have reasons to exist. Without beliefs there will be no goals. ‘W’ is why we do what we do. It represents the constant beliefs in our hierarchy of values forming our beliefs and goals.

The next symbol of the equation is where the rubber meets the road in parenting. It is taking the WHY behind what we are doing based on our BELIEFS and GOALS and translating it into HOW we accomplish our WHYS. HOW represents the many options and variables of application.

HOW and WHY compete when HOW tries to take over WHY. One of the most unrecognized causes of frustration in the management of the home appears when HOW takes over WHY. We mistakenly and unintentionally assign value to how something is done that supersede the VALUE of WHY (Primary). Sometimes the HOWS of life stop us cold. In our frustration, we begin to examine why our METHOD (HOW) does not work and we miss moving forward in life because we are stuck trying to fix a broken HOW.


The secondary HOW then begins to dominate our thinking and time. We end up worried and more focused on fixing the broken HOW than returning to the original WHY to consider other means to satisfy it. In fact, we often become spellbound by FEAR that if our HOW does not get fixed, our goals will never be achieved. In parenting, the greatest values are not on HOW you accomplish our goals, but the WHYS that govern our goals.

The Ezzos touched on the childhood transitions based on Structured Function Principles.
Transitions take on a progression. Expectations on the 1st born are higher and tend to frustrate the child as he/she may find it difficult to keep up. The parents can’t wait to move on to the next stage of transition and may impose certain training prematurely.
Wrong assumptions too may lead to fixing of the wrong things.

1. Nature Vs Will

Before age 3, the NATURE of a child is all ‘me, myself and I’. 3 different theories describe a child below age 3.

a. The child is morally good and has no desire to do wrong.
b. The child is morally neutral.
c. The child has the propensity for self-serving acts that may hurt others.
(i.e. The child sins with no knowledge of it.)

The WILL is a cognitive choice – sinning with knowledge.

2. Training Vs Education

Training takes place before a child is ready to be educated.
Training is the substitute for understanding as the child is not old enough.

When a child does something with the RIGHT motive but WRONG action, EDUCATION is necessary.

When a child does something with the WRONG motive and WRONG action, then CORRECTION is necessary.

Training progresses to education and the process should be positive, speaking ‘LIFE’ and not ‘DEATH’ into the child.

3. Boundaries Vs Freedom

No structure is more stressful as the fear for the unknown is real. Ideal parenting should be restriction leading to freedom and not the other way round. Children may not be able to make moral decisions. They are confronted with too many choices too. First 3 years of the child’s life, parents are the ‘bosses’ as the child is not capable of obeying.


4. Compliance Vs Obedience

When the parents believe that OBEDIENCE is important, the goal will be to train the child to obey. A child may comply outwardly without genuinely want to obey in his/her heart. Compliance is a mind over heart issue that shows outwardly. When a child remains compliant way beyond 3 years of age, problems may arise.

5. External Vs Internal

Children are externally influenced by what they see in their parents (self-control, wisdom.. etc) There are also internal (intrinsic) values which the children possess.

6. Authority Vs Influence

Authority is God-given where parents exercise to achieve goals. A child is ready to make his own choices WHEN he is ready to accept NO option. Parents only exercise relational influence for relational goals.

Attitudes that are not Beatitudes:

Positive attitude starts with the virtue of GRATITUDE. Negative attitudes start with a single vice of ungodly judgments. Attitudes are expressed in facial expressions (rolling of the eyes), body language (shrugging the shoulders) or through speech (yelling). Attitudes do not truly develop until after the child’s conscience begins to interact with moral understanding. Bad attitudes can not be out-grown. Parents correct both the wrong actions and bad attitudes.

Children 6 years and above can be made to reflect on bad attitudes and make it right.