Abuses in Relationships

I signed up for this talk because of my pro-bono work at the Family Transformation & Protection Unit at the Family Court. The clients who walk in to apply for the Personal Protection Order battle with violent significant others. Some just put up with it meekly week after week, year after year and one fine day, they decided enough is enough and came in to exercise their legal right to put a stop the torment.

A very knowledgeable Dr Kong enlightened us on the patterns of abuse. That of two types - Type I is one-off abusive behavior and Type II, persistent.

Usually, violent behaviors are associated with psychiatric illnesses such as depression and grief. There is also the likelihood of Type II leading to Borderline Personality Disorder. Sadistic abuses are hurled by either Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Dr Kong explained abusive behaviors by exploring the Oedipus Complex in Freudian psychoanalysis. It refers to the stage of psychosexual development in childhood where children of both sexes regard their father as an adversary and competitor for the exclusive love of their mother. In psychodynamics, Object Relations theory is the idea that the ego-self exists only in relation to other objects (foundational relatedness with mother specifically), which may be external or internal. The internal objects (e.g. past events or experiences) are internalized versions of external objects (significant others), primarily formed from early interactions with the parents. There are three fundamental "affects" that can exist between the self and the other - attachment, frustration, and rejection. These affects are universal emotional states that are major building blocks of the personality.

It is essential that children experience connectedness with their parents. A secured and constant attachment will give rise to a healthy internal representation. The experience of deprivation during childhood can lead to stress in life. Insecured attachment results in Pre-occupied Anxiety (‘Where are you going, mum?’), Dismissive-Avoidant (‘In order to avoid being hurt, I will dismiss you first.’) & Fearful-Avoidant (Want to avoid yet fearful you will leave.) Ultimately, a good-enough parent will provide a secured base.

Object Constancy is the goal in promoting ideal psychosexual development. When good object is being internalized, there is no place for asking, ‘Where were you?’ nor ‘It’s my fault, you left because I didn’t behave right.’ During intervention, allow appropriate verbalizations – ‘I am angry.’ ‘I deserved to be loved.’